….And It’s Not What You Think

Most people think they’re stuck in transition because they can’t make a decision.

They come to me saying: “Should I leave this job?” “Should I end this relationship?” “Should I start over completely?”

But here’s what I’ve learned after years of guiding leaders through transitions:

You’re not struggling with the decision you need to make. You’re struggling with the unconscious forces pulling you in opposite directions.

The indecision isn’t the problem. It’s a symptom of something deeper happening beneath your awareness.

The Two Layers of Every Transition

When you’re in transition, two things are happening simultaneously:

The Conscious Layer (what you can see):

• External circumstances changing or needing to change
• Decisions that need to be made
• Practical steps you could take
• Logic, pros and cons lists, strategic thinking

The Unconscious Layer (what you can’t see):

• Identity attachments to who you’ve been
• Protective patterns formed in childhood that kept you safe then but limit you now
• Unconscious beliefs about worthiness, success, and belonging
• Grief over losing the known, even when the known wasn’t working
• Fear of outgrowing relationships or disappointing people
• Nervous system responses to uncertainty that feel like paralysis

Most transition advice only addresses the conscious layer: Make a plan. Network. Take action. Update your resume.

That’s necessary. But it’s insufficient.

Because the real blocks aren’t rational. They’re unconscious.

Why Smart People Get Stuck

I work with intelligent, accomplished leaders who know exactly what they “should” do. They’ve done the research. They’ve made the pros and cons lists. They understand their options intellectually.

And yet they can’t move forward.

Not because they’re weak or broken or indecisive.

Because an unconscious part of them believes:

• “If I change, I’ll lose myself”
• “If I succeed differently, I’ll outgrow the people I love”
• “If I’m visible in a new way, something bad will happen”
• “I don’t deserve what I actually want”

These beliefs weren’t formed yesterday. They were formed in childhood, in formative experiences, in moments when your nervous system learned: This is how I stay safe. This is how I belong. This is who I’m allowed to be.

And now, decades later, they’re running the show from the background.

The Identity Crisis Beneath the Decision

A client once came to me saying she needed to decide whether to leave her corporate job.

But as we worked together, what emerged was different:

She wasn’t actually confused about whether to leave. Deep down, she knew.

What she was really grappling with was grief.

Grief over the version of herself who believed success meant climbing the corporate ladder. Who measured her worth by titles and promotions. Who thought she had to prove herself through achievement.

That identity had protected her. It had given her structure, validation, external markers of value.

And now she was outgrowing it.

The decision wasn’t hard. Letting go of who she’d been was hard.

Once she understood that—once she could name the unconscious attachment and grieve it consciously—the decision became clear. Not because she forced it, but because she was no longer fighting herself.

This Is Where Change Actually Happens

Transitions aren’t about the external circumstances. They’re about the internal shift that must happen first.

You’re not just changing what you do. You’re changing who you are.

And that process involves:

• Recognizing the unconscious patterns driving your behavior
• Understanding where your beliefs about success, worthiness, and safety came from
• Grieving the identities you’re outgrowing
• Building tolerance for uncertainty in your nervous system
• Learning to trust yourself when external validation disappears
• Integrating the parts of you that feel contradictory

This is not work you can think your way through.

You can’t make a rational decision when unconscious forces are sabotaging your conscious plans.

You have to work with both layers simultaneously.