Self-Leadership Archives - Navigate Change

Carrying Less

Sherry Waddingham — Sat, 06 Jun 2026 14:30:45 +0000

I’ve been noticing something lately, in myself and in the people I work with.

We carry a lot that was never ours to carry.

Other people’s choices. Their reactions. Their growth, or the lack of it. We pick it all up and we hold it.

Then we turn it over. We keep turning it over, looking for the insight that will finally settle it.

But here’s what I’ve come to see. Sometimes understanding becomes another way of carrying.

We tell ourselves we’re trying to make sense of something. Underneath, we’re still trying to repair it.

So here’s a question worth sitting with:

“Am I trying to understand this, or am I still trying to repair something that isn’t mine to repair?”

The Shift

Some things can’t be solved. And that has nothing to do with how skilled you are.

They can’t be solved because they were never yours to solve.

Maybe you’ve been reaching for one more insight. One more conversation. One more explanation.

What if what you actually need is permission?

Permission to stop. Permission to put it down. Permission to hand the responsibility back to where it belongs.

The Armour

We don’t only carry what has happened. We carry what we’re afraid might.

We armour up for conversations that never take place. We rehearse for criticism that never comes. We defend ourselves against futures that never arrive.

How much energy have you spent standing guard against something that hasn’t happened?

Before you reach for the armour, ask:

“Is there actually a battle here?”

Sometimes the heaviest thing we carry isn’t the past.

It’s an imagined future.

Coming Home

Some days the load feels like a log jam you can’t clear. You think you’re looking for a solution. What you actually need is relief from carrying something you were never meant to hold.

You don’t have to fix every relationship. You don’t have to solve every problem. You don’t have to understand every person’s behaviour.

Some structures aren’t yours to renovate.

Some blueprints aren’t yours to redraw.

Sometimes the repair crew has been dismissed.

And maybe that’s what coming home to yourself really means.

Not understanding more.

Carrying less.

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Why You Can’t Let It Go (Even When You Know Better)

Sherry Waddingham — Mon, 25 May 2026 11:00:27 +0000

Some people stay with you longer than they should.

Something about it keeps coming back, when you’re trying to focus, in the middle of something else, or your day is otherwise fine.

That’s usually a signal that there’s more going on than the moment itself.

When The Reaction Doesn’t Match the Moment

One of the patterns I see when clients are dealing with difficult people is that the reaction they create internally isn’t always proportional to what actually happened.

A short exchange can stay with you longer than a much bigger issue. A passing comment can carry more weight than a formal conversation. It doesn’t always make sense on the surface.

Which is why people tend to focus on the other person. They’re trying to make sense of why they said what they said, or why they behave the way they do.

That line of thinking feels productive, but it rarely resolves anything.

What They Actually Hit

Certain people have a way of landing on something specific.

It might be the person who interrupts just enough that you feel cut off. Or the one who dismisses ideas in a way that’s hard to challenge in the moment. Or someone who creates pressure without being explicit about it.

Individually, those behaviours are manageable. You’ve dealt with them before.

But every so often, one of those interactions lands differently. It touches something that was already there.

Often the reaction has less to do with the comment itself and more to do with what you feel it confirms. That you weren’t taken seriously, or that your effort didn’t matter.

It doesn’t have to be dramatic. Most of the time it isn’t. It’s just enough to make the interaction stick.

Why Your Mind Keeps Returning to It

When something lands at that level, your mind doesn’t treat it like a simple interaction.

It keeps returning to it, trying to resolve it. You think through what you could have said differently. You refine your response. You replay the moment, but usually with a different ending.

From the outside, it looks like you’re replaying the conversation. What you’re actually doing is trying to resolve what it stirred up. And because that didn’t start in that moment, it doesn’t fully settle there either.

Most people stay focused on the other person. They analyze the behaviour, question the intent, and try to figure out what’s behind it. It feels like understanding them will help you let it go.

But the more attention you give it at that level, the more it holds.

What Actually Shifts It

Letting it go doesn’t start with forcing yourself to stop thinking about it. That usually just pushes it further into the background where it keeps running.

It starts with being clear about what the interaction actually touched.

Say the person dismissed your idea in a meeting without much engagement. On the surface, it’s a minor thing. But if part of what you bring to your work is a genuine investment in getting things right, that dismissal doesn’t just feel rude. It lands on something that matters to you.

The replaying isn’t really about them. It’s your mind trying to recover something that felt brushed aside.

Once you can see that distinction, what belongs to them and what it activated in you, the intensity tends to drop. The interaction doesn’t disappear. It just stops taking up the same amount of space.

The Real Cost

Some people will always be difficult. That part doesn’t change.

What can change is how much of your attention they hold after the interaction is over.

And that’s usually where the real cost shows up. Not in the moment itself, but in everything that follows it.

The post Why You Can’t Let It Go (Even When You Know Better) appeared first on Navigate Change.

Don’t Let Someone Else’s Behaviour Become Your Problem

Sherry Waddingham — Tue, 12 May 2026 10:00:00 +0000

Most of us have had that one co-worker.

The one who interrupts. The one who seems to make everything more complicated than it needs to be. The one who leaves you feeling irritated, drained, or oddly preoccupied long after the conversation is over.

In the hundreds of workshops I’ve taught over the years, this is one of the hottest topics of discussion.

Why this matters

Change and transition can make people more reactive. And when people feel unsettled, they can become defensive, controlling, and more emotionally charged.

That does not excuse their unhelpful behaviour. But it does mean that we may need to adjust our response.

I often hear that the other person is just “a narcissist” or “impossible.” That decision may provide a brief sense of clarity, but you can get stuck there.

You replay conversations and second-guess yourself. You brace before every interaction and start watching them too closely. Before long, the irritating person becomes a bigger presence in your mind than they are in real life.

This is the trap. Ruminating, with no way out of the spiral.

Rather than obsessing over everything they say and do, it’s healthier for you to stay clear about what is happening, and to respond in a way that protects your energy and your work.

What dysregulation can look like

When people are under stress or going through a transition, it can limit their ability to manage their emotions and behaviour.

You’ll often see it in the moment. A conversation that was fine suddenly shifts. The tone sharpens. They interrupt. They insert themselves where they don’t need to.

I’ve seen this show up as defensiveness or a need for control. Less room for feedback. More urgency than the situation calls for.

From the outside, that can look like narcissism, but that’s not the same thing. The more useful question is not what label do you give this person, it’s what kind of response helps you stay steady here.

What helps

Usually, the best response is simple, calm, and boring. Admittedly, not always easy to do.

The instinct in these moments is to correct them, push back, or prove your point. That often escalates things.

Staying steady looks different. Keep your language factual, your tone steady, and the conversation focused on work. Simple anchors like let’s stay with the facts, I’ll confirm by email, let’s bring this back on topic or here’s the next step can help.

If someone is activated or dysregulated, it’s better for you to stay grounded. You do not need to win the interaction. The goal is not to stoke the fire. It’s to prevent it from getting worse.

A good guideline for yourself

These situations are genuinely hard to live with day in and out. One of the most important things you can do is stop making the other person the centre of gravity.

Don’t let yourself become obsessed by what they did or might do. Don’t track them endlessly or let your mood rise and fall based on their behaviour. It also means not discussing them endlessly with others. This just keeps it going.

You are allowed to notice what is difficult, and even vent occasionally, just don’t become consumed by it. During times of change, everyone is already stretched thin. Nobody has energy to spare on something they can’t change.

The real skill

In my experience, one of the most valuable things you can do is learn to work with difficult people without derailing yourself.

That does not mean condoning their behaviour and acting like everything is fine. It means staying clear, calm, and appropriately detached. It means protecting your attention and focusing on what you can influence.

You may never understand the other person completely. You do not need to.

What you do need is enough clarity to respond wisely, enough distance to stay sane, and enough discipline not to hand over your peace of mind.

The post Don’t Let Someone Else’s Behaviour Become Your Problem appeared first on Navigate Change.

The Inner Critic Is a Safety Inspector, Not a Truth Teller

Sherry Waddingham — Tue, 24 Mar 2026 16:00:09 +0000

One thing that often gets louder during periods of change is the inner critic.

Most advice tells you to silence it, challenge it, or replace the negative thought with something positive.

That’s not wrong. But it’s not the whole picture.

When that voice gets loud, many people assume it’s telling the truth.

But in my experience, it’s doing something else.

The inner critic isn’t a truth teller.
It’s a safety inspector.

Its job is to scan for risk and try to prevent situations that could lead to embarrassment, rejection, or failure. The problem is that it can’t tell the difference between actual danger and the discomfort that comes with growth.

So when you step into something new, it gets busy.

Why Transition Makes It Louder

In stable situations, the inner critic has less to work with. You know the role. You know what good performance looks like. You have regular evidence that you’re capable.

Transition removes many of those signals.

A new role. A different environment. Changing expectations. Sometimes no clear structure at all.

When the usual proof that you’re competent disappears for a while, the mind looks for an explanation.

That’s when the commentary starts:

I should know this already.
Who am I to be doing this?
Maybe I’m not cut out for this.
Everyone else seems more confident.

For many people the hardest part isn’t the thought itself.

It’s the rumination that follows.

The mind grabs the thought and starts replaying it, looking for confirmation. Turning it over from different angles.

And that loop is often more exhausting than the situation itself.

Visibility Changes the Equation

Another pattern I see often is that the inner critic gets louder right before someone is about to be more visible than they’re used to.

Speaking up in a room where you’re new.
Stepping into a larger leadership role.
Putting your thinking out into the open.

Visibility raises the perceived stakes, even when nothing objectively dangerous is happening.

The safety inspector treats that as risk.

What Helps

Trying to silence the inner critic usually backfires. What helps more is recognizing what it actually is.

A safety inspector scanning for risk.

When the voice gets loud, it often means you’re operating without the usual proof of competence for a while. You’re learning something new, recalibrating, or building something without a clear path yet.

Instead of debating every thought, it can help to ask a simpler question: Is this an actual problem, or am I just in the middle of something new?

And if you notice the rumination starting, interrupt the loop when you can. Not by pretending the thought isn’t there. Just by remembering that a safety inspector will always find something to flag.

If the inner critic has been louder than usual lately, it may simply mean you’re in the middle of change.

The post The Inner Critic Is a Safety Inspector, Not a Truth Teller appeared first on Navigate Change.

Preemptive Self-Protection

Sherry Waddingham — Tue, 03 Mar 2026 16:47:36 +0000

In cautious markets, hesitation masquerades as prudence. Leaders call retreat “timing.” But sometimes it’s protection. And if you don’t name it, you’ll repeat it.

The Pattern

You’ve outgrown the table you’re sitting at. An invitation to a bigger one arrives. Something shifts. Now you’re not so sure.

It always comes with a reasonable explanation. That’s what makes it hard to catch.

What’s Actually Happening

You’re engaging in what I call Preemptive Self-Protection: choosing safety over growth before the outcome is known.

Nothing has failed. No rejection is confirmed. No collapse has occurred. Your exposure increased. And exposure activates identity threat.

What if I’m not enough? What if I fail publicly? What if this proves something about me?

So the system protects. It reframes retreat as wisdom. You get the relief of safety with a story that preserves your dignity.

What It Looks Like

It shows up in different arenas. Same reflex.

Visibility

Declining a stretch speaking opportunity because the room feels more senior than you’re used to.

Status & Relationships

Not pitching the larger client before they’ve had a chance to say no.
Routing a difficult conversation through intermediaries instead of speaking directly.

Competence

Withdrawing from a stretch opportunity after one uncomfortable round, deciding it “wasn’t a fit” before the outcome is known.
Staying in an advisory or fractional role indefinitely so there’s always an exit.
Spending another month refining the strategy, building the deck, doing more research — when the real next step is to ship it.

Identity

Attributing success to luck before anyone else can challenge your role in it.
Staying fully booked in delivery work instead of building the business beyond you.

The external circumstances haven’t changed. Only your level of exposure has.

The Mechanism

This is not self-sabotage. It’s identity protection.

Not fear of the unknown. Fear of confirmed inadequacy.

When the outcome is still unknown, you’re safe. You can still be someone who would have succeeded. The moment you stay in and it doesn’t work, that story is at risk.

So you exit before the data arrives. Your system is doing exactly what it’s designed to do: avoid perceived threat. The problem is it can’t distinguish between actual danger and growth.

What To Do About It

Before you reverse course, pause. Then ask four questions honestly:

Am I responding to reality, or protecting my identity?
If this had gone perfectly, would I still be reconsidering?
What exactly feels threatened: status, competence, income, control?
Has anything structural changed, or only my comfort level?

The goal isn’t to override the signal. Sometimes retreat is right. The goal is to decide consciously, not let protection decide for you under the guise of wisdom.

The Thing Worth Remembering

Expansion destabilizes identity before it stabilizes results. The gap between taking the risk and knowing the outcome: that’s where Preemptive Self-Protection lives.

The discomfort isn’t a sign to reverse course. It’s a signal you’re exposed.

Do not make permanent decisions based on temporary exposure discomfort.

See what’s happening. Then decide.

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